next steps

well that was a night filled with worries - and all for naught.

she met with T at 7.30 (well, 7.15 as he turned up early). i know no details, other than her words 'it really is over'.

she was very traumatised by it (as i guess is understandable as she was fighting false feelings of love over the guy, but it's over. he's not an option any more.

i hope and pray fervently that this has the word 'forever' at the end of it - but i feel she feels that way too.

now i just need to work out what i do.

i've discovered through all this that i'm absolutely in love with her. crazy about her. all the usual stuff and more.

and i need to work out where to go next.

she's thankful for my support through all this. telling me she can't thank me enough. i only hope she works out why i've given her all this support, why i care about her so much. and hopefully, well who knows.

but fundamentally, the other thing i've realised - you can rebel against God all you like, but it doesn't stop Him from blessing you and those around you. even in the darkest times.

i need to pray more. cos He is awesome.

the tumultuous weekend

you find me here, at work again with a break in workload.

you also find me here on Monday after quite a weekend. or rather just quite an evening yesterday.

i found her by text to have told me on wednesday last that she'd bumped into her ex. and it had shaken her.

i told her i'd pray for her, and that was appreciated.

we agreed to meet this coming Sunday, so I texted yesterday to reconfirm. she reconfirmed and said she's looking forward to it to hear my opinion on various things.

curious i enquired what about?

she then told me she'd decided not to get back with T. The ex.

I hadn't even realised he was an option, or that she'd even considered it. and now she's telling me she'd decided not to get back with him.

I know I should be relieved, but firstly i need to get over the shock of this revelation.

i didn't let her know the shock, simply commended her wisdom and told her i know it must have been hard.

she said it was hard, and she's dreading having to tell him they're not getting back together. which she's doing today.

Today.

i'm praying like crazy - as she told me he can be very persuasive.

what if he proposes and she thinks 'yes, this is the easy way out of this'.

Or if her begs her, or says he'll do something stupid.

what if?
what if?
what if?

i'm praying but it feels so lonely down here. and i'm looking at my phone, willing it to have delivered a text saying 'i did it, i told him' or something along those lines.

because if the message delivered is opposite, worlds will crumble and crash around me.

hopes will shatter.

i will break.

next steps

so it's now Thursday. it's been 4 days since i saw her (for the first time in 2 months). she is, of course, on my mind fairly constantly.

on tuesday night she sent through on whatsapp a pic of her in her new glasses. because she didn't wear them on sunday (she did promise to send me a pic as she hadn't worn them).

let me reiterate, she sent me a pic of her in glasses. and i was overwhelmed. she. is. so. so. so. beautiful.

which makes it so much harder not to be with her, or to be seeing her a lot.

i told her simply 'wow, just wow. you are so beautiful'. she thanked me for the compliment. it seemed light and fun.

i logged into whatsapp today and the commentary said 'last seen yesterday at 20.26'. So now i'm thinking - should I just send her a cheeky message. is she checking whatsapp to see if i've got in touch? is it better for me to give her a little more space?

and all the while i'm trying, so much trying, to get back in a great place with God. where He is all I need. but that seems so far away. and I also need to get back with God because I want back with Him, not just because I want back with Eliza.

at least i'm capitalising His name again, i know that's important to God....

meeting her...

so i've just got back from meeting with her. for the first time since we broke up. i warn you, this is gonna be a rambling one - as I need to remember all the details.

so I picked her up - her mum knew I was there, her dad looked surprised (she told me later he didn't know, but her mum did, that I was coming).

we drove and she said how it was nice to see me, i reiterated the comment to her. we drove to hart's boatyard, after an unsuccessful attempt to get to another pub. she bought me a drink (as she forgot my birthday - she didnt, just wasn't sure it would be appropriate to contact me about it). She complimented me on my boots, and said I looked good in the jumper too (in general she said I looked good anyway).

we talked about small stuff, then pretty early on she said 'so, how have you been these past two months?'. I exclaimed it was a pretty deep question to ask, which she agreed and said she's happy for me not to answer, but I told her it's probably best I get it out in the open with her and be honest.

i told her it's been tough. that I threw myself in completely with her, and the 9 years of anticipation, and the fact it felt we knew each other really well from the first time we met all made it extra heavy. She agreed, saying it was pretty whirlwind. I then said how i'd talked to lots of friends, and they'd been great. and my family had supported me. She agreed she was happy about that. i also confessed i'd been tempted to contact her a lot, and had moments where I'd thought 'i need to tell her i'm still there, she'll think i didn't care'. She acknowledged I'd done things really well, and 'just right', which is great, by not getting in touch too much.

she also acknowledged she didn't get in touch with me as she didn't want to lead me on/give false hope etc., which I said I appreciated and see why she did it.

i then read her the poem. maybe a mistake, but i really put in a disclaimer many times that I wrote it in a bad place, and it was intended for six months down the line. she said it was good. and seemed to agree with what i said (about our lives being out of sync for where we were). we didn't dwell on the 'what about the future' bit, but i then said 'look, i think you probably know why i wanted to meet with you was more than just about being friends'. and I explained how i wanted her to know that i'd still love it if we got together, how i did think she was really beautiful (she told me I was really hot too) and how i missed her being in my life. i also acknowledged that the relationship we had been in had to die completely, hence my not contacting her for a while, and that i felt that's happened. i then said that I almost do and don't want to ask her if there's any possibility for us in the future, as I don't want her thinking i'm waiting or putting my life on hold, but also that i saw magic in our first few dates, and even whilst we were talking and spending time together today, and that what if that might grow into something?

she said she doesn't want to say yes or no right now. that when we broke up, she did have a tough week or so, and saw her counsellor, and drunk quite a lot, and had one night where she drunk so much she doens't remember getting home, but that since then she's almost cut the relationship bit out and gone 'i just dont' want anything with anyone right now'. Also she said that starting uni and work and church all being busy had not given her much time to think about stuff. But fundamentally she's not even in place where relationships or a possible relationship is a thought for her, and doesn't know how long that might last (a year? she suggested) but that she doesn't want to make me wait, or put my life on hold, but who knows what might happen in the future? She told me I was very attractive, and that she felt I needed to be told that. I reiterated she was very beautiful. So that was nice (which she really is).

I told her I won't wait and wont' put my life on hold, but what if in a year's time i've not found anyone and she's still single, perhaps it might be somethign that happens? I then explained, being honest, that the reason i'd like to see her every so often is so that I am an option to her - and since we have no mutual friends, church or real life, that having to make an effort to stay in touch seemed the only way to keep that on the cards. She agreed, saying you need to actually live your life, not waiting for God to put people in your lap, or thinking he'll just do that for you.

We talked a lot about work, life and everything in between. it was really fun, and it felt almost like we were going out again (except for, we aren't, and there's no kissing). I said i'd like to see her again, she said that'd be cool. That at the very least we could meet for Christmas (maybe have a little christmas meal together - her suggestion!). But she said she wants me to think about how i feel about things, and if i feel it's too tough, and that i can't cope, to let her know and either we won't see one another again, or we'll wait a longer time, or we'll just meet up soon.

I reiterated I'd like her to know i'm an option, which she acknowledged. so I need to remember that. And she said ' but I don't want to hurt you, so I need you to know and be sure you can cope with the fact that I might be ready for a relationship and it's not with you, or that we don't get together, because I really don't want you to get hurt'. I said i'd think about it and let her know.

I dropped her off at her church, hugged her goodbye and left.

now i need to pray about this. a lot. and see what the next chapter holds... i'm hoping it's with Eliza, as she is so pretty, but we'll have to see.

so she cancelled last night as she's got work to do and has to do a talk at church.

said she was looking forward to it. i don't know whether to believe that.

she asked if i have nights free next week. i suggested other dates, but she hasn't responded. 

it hurts.
 

thursday thursday

so i'm meeting her on Thursday. this Thursday. almost two months after I last saw her.

almost as long between seeing her as we were going out.

and I'm feeling mixed. fear, yep, excitement, yep, happy, yes, anger, a little.

my relationship with God is currently lying in tatters. people have told me i've let the devil take a grasp of me and let doubt and fear and anger at God overflow. And the bitterness - oh the bitterness.

and I know i should declare it out. but at the moment, i like the punishment i feel i'm giving God. but i need to realise i'm only punishing me. and maybe i like that too.

we're meeting on Thursday. i'm still deciding what to wear. and what to say. and how to behave. and, and, and.

i've got to let go of my birthday, and the fact she didn't text or mention it at all. i'd love a card, and present, but i know i'll get neither. even though i gave her the card to congratulate her on passing her DT. and that's where the anger comes from.

i need to be strong, and help her with her healing. she's not a girl at the moment that will strengthen me. she'll destroy me if we get together now.

so i need to have strength that if she said 'let's get back together' i could say 'no, i don't think you're in the right place for that right now'.

will i get there? doubtful. but will i need to be there? doubtful.

it'd just be healthier.

my friend says I need to just be paul. just be me. so i'll get acting.

maybe i need to break the stalemate and talk to God. it'll be painful. but maybe i just should.

skype

so i'm close to just giving up.

all of it.

but i can't.

give all of it up. I can't. i feel close to giving all but her up though. what's the point in all the rest of the crap if i can't have her?

i know, it's all about God and how He's awesome. well right now, i don't believe that.

"oh, but read Jeremiah 29:11 - I know the plans I have for you..." well isn't that saccharine goodness just straight out of the book of fairy tales?

if God does have a plan for me, and it involves this level of mind screwing up - then He can take it back and I'll run the show. i'll make the plans myself. cos right now, i don't want Him running things because it seems he's just out to get me (yes, I've stopped capitlising when I'm talking about God - I just can't be bothered with that either).

so there we go. i don't want God to run things anymore, because he's just proved he's out to screw me over. or cause me pain and anguish and sleeplessness and tears and driving all my friends away and not being able to enjoy movies anymore and fear and rejection and want to just jump and end it.

and that. is. a. plan?

that's the best he can do?

well he's doing terribly. he's really screwing it up right now. and I don't like it one bit. and i don't honestly think it's worth it at all.

i'm here, in this grotty town, away from family, and i don't like it.

and i don't even want to be with family right now - because i'll only hurt them with how much i'm hurting. and they've got enough on their plates with L and M. and they don't need my crap piled on their plates too, stinking it all up.


and 'give it over to God, let him take care of it all'? you think i'm going to let him anywhere near it? I'm sorry, but never has the term 'wrestle out of my cold, dead, fingers' been more appropriate than right now.

i'll be waiting for the lightning/fire/brimstone. Bring it on....

a poem

so, once more without the work to do, I found myself writing. Only this time it was a poem.

Comments welcomed

 It was umpteen years of waiting,

And a lesser number praying,

All that time anticipating,

‘fore our paths in life were met.

You and I were advertising,

Summaries so tantalising.

With no pictures compromising,

On that wondrous internet.

Back in June you caught me waving,

And you, waving back, were braving-

The so risky face to facing,

With someone you’d never met.

Soon enough we found us Skyping,

About Wombles we were hyping,

Never speaking, only typing.

The excitement. And Smurfette!

And then, oh, we had a meeting,

By the Bentalls Centre- fleeting?

Oh no chance, it was all evening,

Where we walked, and talked and ate.

The time we were quickly using,

And too early you were choosing.

To go home, ‘it’s late’, for snoozing,

To think if Romeo you’d met?

I myself returned to Reading,

With my car itself a threading,

Through the other cars me heading,

Thinking were you Juliet?

Over weeks that passed, our meeting

Moved from walking, talking, eating,

To the cinema, and greeting-

With a hug and kiss? You bet!

But then all those years of waiting,

And the shorter years of praying,
And the long anticipating,

Made me keen to push it yet.

And the history of your courting,

Caught us up, and found us wanting,

Or at least it prompted thinking,

Of the people who we’d met.

I pushed on, I asked for fighting,

And at first it was not frightening,

For the fears they were a hiding,

Ready to arise and set.

But too soon the fears came crashing,

To us both. Though I was bashing-

Them away, they started trashing,

All the foundations we’d set.

Oh the ground it was a-shaking,

And we found ourselves awakening,

To the paths which we were taking,

Which showed too soon we had met.

So one night we met in Sonning,

And discovered we were conning,

One another in still thinking,

That the two of us were set.

And it pained me in the sounding,

When I said you need a grounding,

In the God who feels He’s hounding,

Me, saying 'go of her, you let’

So I let go of you, hurting,

For the best for both, deep, knowing,

That at present time we’re going,

In two lines apart, so set.

But now some time on I’m thinking,

That although we were a-sinking,

Now you’ve started with your studying,

And some time apart we’ve let.

Could there be a new beginning?

Could we, together, be a grinning?

Could there be a happy ending?

Where we join, and we are set.

Starting  simply, where we’re dating,

And the fears they are abating,

And you’ll find us oft debating,

About our friend, Madame Cho-let.

So right now, again, I’m waiting,

I’ll admit that I am praying,

In my heart anticipating,

For a future with us yet.

Now I’ve been so honest telling,

About where my brain is dwelling.

Oh, I hope you don’t run yelling-

From this amateur poet.

And I hope that you are willing,

(Oh to me it would be thrilling),

If your answer would be saying,

You and me? let’s try it yet.

So I leave this poem pending,

Waiting to receive it’s ending.

And I hope it’s more than friending,

In the future, well, ?

.. ....

so this is probably a record for me, and probably the sign of the lack of work i have that I'm back and blogging again so soon after the last post.

My mind is racing today - due partly once again to the lack of work, but also to the fact she started Uni today. And that means a lot of new guys and people in her life, none of whom are me. And none of whom will ever mention me.

i know she said she needs space, and we talked about her staying single for a reasonable about of time - but i'm beginning to think she didn't ever agree to that. yes, we talked about it when she first met with her counsellor and she said she was thinking it might be good for her to be single for a while.
and yes, during the break up conversation she said she hadn't been single properly since she was 15 (or perhaps even younger - I can't remember).

And yes, I'd like to give her space to find out who she is. but I also want to be in her life so desperately. i miss hearing her voice. i miss seeing her beautiful face. i miss just walking hand in hand with her. i miss holding her and telling her everything will be ok. i miss hugging her. i miss kissing her. i miss it all. and i want it all back now. i want to see her. to just be back in her life and her in mine.

and i know i could wait. but why should i? and i know if we are to be together we could have 50+ years together so what's a couple of months? but i just want to know if it's even a possibility. and i fear trying to find that out could make it not a possibility.

fundamentally i miss her, i hope she's missing me, and i hope it works. but that just still doesn't seem enough for me right now. i've tried praying, but it doesn't seem to make it better. i've tried blogging, but i'm still writing. i just hope something shifts soon - i miss her.

...

so I find myself at 10th September 2013 and this blog hasn't been updated in ages.

sadly I update it with melacholic news - not exciting stuff.

So I met this girl, we'll call her E for help of anonymity. And she was wonderful - all I could ever want (and more). She's cute, smart, funny and gets my jokes. We met on the first date and it seemed like I'd met a soul mate - someone who I could just chat and relax with and who I felt I'd known for years. Prior to that we'd been skype-ing and had finished one anothers' sentences on two occasions (smurfette and Roger McGough are not normally similarities in conversation) and had laughed and joked with one another constantly.
She'd told me she was quite broken (from a previous long term relationship when not a Christian) but I was fine with that. So we agreed to meet.

We met, talked, walked, ate and spent hours together. It was like a fairy tale.
We met again and again, taking picnics and enjoying one anothers' company. We talked of one year anniversaries, and how magic it felt that we'd met people with whom we both fancied and felt were close friends with.
We snogged and got quite intimate with one another. It seemed to be going so well.
I started making plans in my head.

Then she met T (the ex) whilst shopping. Supposing she was fine and settled with me she walked around with him a bit. They talked. He said he still loved her. This screwed her head up. But she didn't see it at first - she just told him she'd met someone new and that he needed to cope with that.

She told me, I told her that's fine and that she's good to be so kind to him.

He called the next week and told her again how he still loved her.

We met up and everything seemed fine.

Then she said she was fearful because the feelings had started to go, and she was fearful because of the ex that she'd never be able to love again. We talked about God and how she'd put the ex before God and perhaps she was angry at God because of that (Him making her split up with T).
We agreed to have less snogging and to take things slower.

She called one night and said she was panicking. I said, let's meet up and discuss tomorrow.
That day she met me she felt better and was happy for most of the day, till we got to the evening.

She said she's panicking again. I told her to just stop thinking about it. And we agreed she'd see her old counsellor.

She saw the counsellor who said maybe I was good for her. But also E discussed how she still freaked out about not having the feelings there. She said she'd just have to cope with things, and go with the flow.

We watched 'No Sex Please, we're british' and kissed a few times. It was nice. She said she'd just go with it when it happened.

We had a day together, that just didn't seem to work. We talked that evening and we agreed we'd go to 'dating' (exclusively). That made her feel happier and more relaxed. Also the fact I was starting work meant we'd not see each other as many times and it should become less intense.

We met on the Wednesday and she'd been looking forward to it. We saw AP and it was great. She hugged up close to me and we snogged a couple of times. It seemed wonderful.

I saw her after work on the Saturday and we went for a drink. After a cider, she was snogging me and saying how glad she was to be with me still. We snogged in the car and I told her how I was fearful of overwhelming her again. She said we'd have to be careful. We almost met that evening (when she was with friends) but she said it's probably not a good idea.

We met up on the Monday and had a big snogging session again. But she got 'tired' and I worked out we'd been too intimate too quickly.

She texted the next morning saying how she'd had a nice night. I thought all was ok.

I called on the Thursday (as at SS) and we talked on the phone. It was nice.

We met on the Sunday and she seemed relaxed and enjoying my company. We went to the pub and she snogged me after a pint. We then had lots of snogging waiting for curry and that evening (with too much intimacy).
Monday morning she said she needed to make a decision, and soon, as she wasn't sleeping and was fearful of the future.

On Friday I picked her up from Reading station at 5.12.

We hugged and then  we walked downstairs (not holding hands) and I held open the car door for her (parked in the space by the bikes).

We drove, talking about how our weeks had been. She told me she’s got a job interview to become an au pair for babysitting an 11 year old every evening from probably 3.30 till 8. Money should be better than WS which is great.

She then said she has work for Thursday next week but that’s the only day – though she’s hopeful she’ll get more work last minute (as that’s what happened the previous week).

I bought her a vodka and tonic, she gave me an M&S receipt to put my chewing gum in.

She asked ‘where do you see things now?’

I explained how I was worried, and that I felt we were looking at what a relationship should be and trying to apply it to our situation. That I didn’t think that would work and we should disregard this and see what it could look like with us, both liking one another and enjoying each others’ company.

I did agree we needed to get something sorted that night as I didn’t think it was great for either of us.

She said she sees what I’m talking about, but that we’re in different places in our lives – I’m ready to settle down and she’s about to go to uni, and isn’t ready to settle down. She acknowledged that I was willing to wait – but she wasn’t even sure if she wanted me to wait as what if it didn’t work out.

I then suggested we move somewhere more private which she agreed to. We got up and went to the church graveyard and sat on the bench opposite the entrance.

We talked and she confessed how she’s fearful of breaking up with me but also fearful of staying with me and she’s not sure which is greater – and maybe there wasn’t a right answer amongst those.

I said I’d always say it’s better to stay with me, and we  could work it through.

She said she’s fearful she’s messed life up, not being in the same place as all her friends having not gone to uni and not got married yet. She also said she’s really proud of really minor things and it’s almost pathetic how she’s proud of them.

I told her God was proud of that too, and she should realise that He loves her.

She said she was fearful of ruining another good thing with me – like she had with D and T. She then said she was paying the price of sleeping with T and how she wished she’d known this was the case before she did so.

She then told me she needs to make a decision and she just thinks it would be a lot easier if we walked away from things.

I asked her about boyfriends and what she gets from them – she explained she gets security, and relief from fears when she was with T (even though he was overbearing).

She also explained she hasn’t been single since she was 13 and doesn’t know if she can exist without a boyfriend – and that scares her.

She also explained how she’s always in fear – with family, friends, at work, with me, the only times she isn’t are when she’s had a drink or is asleep.

She then confessed she’s thought about ending her life on a number of occasions. She said she’d tried to take an overdose when she was younger, but it had really hurt and she’d never do that again. She also said she’d never self-harmed and wouldn’t ever do that.

We talked more and I said I think she needs to be single for a while – but I obviously don’t want that as it means not being with me. I said I could just be a friend to her – but with the agreement she wouldn’t start seeing anyone else. She wouldn’t let me do that.

I said I really wanted to stay with her – but she just said she couldn’t see how that was possible and how it would be easier if we just walked away.

We then talked and I said how I think she needs to get good with God and let her feel complete – without a boyfriend. And that I’d therefore be fighting against God for the relationship and therefore I had to walk away. She said ‘shit, yes’.

I then walked away, collapsed on the floor, then returned to her and said I’m willing to fight for it – she said she wouldn’t let me do that.

She then said she needed to go home as she had work the next day.

I said I wanted to stay with her but she said we had to break up.

I told her I know it sounds selfish, but I thnk she should stay single for a while to get her head sorted. Also she should tell her counsellor about this and her family as they love and care for her.

I also said – look, if you do think about getting with someone else think about who you’ve given up.

She didn’t really react much to that. I also asked her that she give me a gift, either a womble or the thing she was going to buy for my birthday. I could use it as a sermon illustrator.

I held open the door for her one last time. Then drove her back to the station.

She told me in the car how much she appreciated my wisdom. And then cried saying how sorry she was that she’d gone out with T

I told her it would hurt – and she’d be offended if it didn’t. But that it would bring us both freedom.

I parked in the spot by the stairs, then hugged her and let her go up the stairs without me.

I texted her to ask her to let me know she got  home safely. She agreed and texted to tell me when she did get home.

I e-mailed her the next day, reiterating the truths I'd said but also saying I'd like to stay in touch, and if she felt differently in the future that I'd like her to contact me. She e-mailed back on the Sunday to thank me and to say some contact sounds good.

I left it two weeks and texted her about a DT she'd had. She passed.
We texted a few times and she said she's good, with new glasses and a DL.

I'm not sure what to do now. I still want something to happen between us, but know it can't happen now.

I need to lean on God and pray, hope and trust that His will be done....

...but that's easier said than done.