meeting her...

so i've just got back from meeting with her. for the first time since we broke up. i warn you, this is gonna be a rambling one - as I need to remember all the details.

so I picked her up - her mum knew I was there, her dad looked surprised (she told me later he didn't know, but her mum did, that I was coming).

we drove and she said how it was nice to see me, i reiterated the comment to her. we drove to hart's boatyard, after an unsuccessful attempt to get to another pub. she bought me a drink (as she forgot my birthday - she didnt, just wasn't sure it would be appropriate to contact me about it). She complimented me on my boots, and said I looked good in the jumper too (in general she said I looked good anyway).

we talked about small stuff, then pretty early on she said 'so, how have you been these past two months?'. I exclaimed it was a pretty deep question to ask, which she agreed and said she's happy for me not to answer, but I told her it's probably best I get it out in the open with her and be honest.

i told her it's been tough. that I threw myself in completely with her, and the 9 years of anticipation, and the fact it felt we knew each other really well from the first time we met all made it extra heavy. She agreed, saying it was pretty whirlwind. I then said how i'd talked to lots of friends, and they'd been great. and my family had supported me. She agreed she was happy about that. i also confessed i'd been tempted to contact her a lot, and had moments where I'd thought 'i need to tell her i'm still there, she'll think i didn't care'. She acknowledged I'd done things really well, and 'just right', which is great, by not getting in touch too much.

she also acknowledged she didn't get in touch with me as she didn't want to lead me on/give false hope etc., which I said I appreciated and see why she did it.

i then read her the poem. maybe a mistake, but i really put in a disclaimer many times that I wrote it in a bad place, and it was intended for six months down the line. she said it was good. and seemed to agree with what i said (about our lives being out of sync for where we were). we didn't dwell on the 'what about the future' bit, but i then said 'look, i think you probably know why i wanted to meet with you was more than just about being friends'. and I explained how i wanted her to know that i'd still love it if we got together, how i did think she was really beautiful (she told me I was really hot too) and how i missed her being in my life. i also acknowledged that the relationship we had been in had to die completely, hence my not contacting her for a while, and that i felt that's happened. i then said that I almost do and don't want to ask her if there's any possibility for us in the future, as I don't want her thinking i'm waiting or putting my life on hold, but also that i saw magic in our first few dates, and even whilst we were talking and spending time together today, and that what if that might grow into something?

she said she doesn't want to say yes or no right now. that when we broke up, she did have a tough week or so, and saw her counsellor, and drunk quite a lot, and had one night where she drunk so much she doens't remember getting home, but that since then she's almost cut the relationship bit out and gone 'i just dont' want anything with anyone right now'. Also she said that starting uni and work and church all being busy had not given her much time to think about stuff. But fundamentally she's not even in place where relationships or a possible relationship is a thought for her, and doesn't know how long that might last (a year? she suggested) but that she doesn't want to make me wait, or put my life on hold, but who knows what might happen in the future? She told me I was very attractive, and that she felt I needed to be told that. I reiterated she was very beautiful. So that was nice (which she really is).

I told her I won't wait and wont' put my life on hold, but what if in a year's time i've not found anyone and she's still single, perhaps it might be somethign that happens? I then explained, being honest, that the reason i'd like to see her every so often is so that I am an option to her - and since we have no mutual friends, church or real life, that having to make an effort to stay in touch seemed the only way to keep that on the cards. She agreed, saying you need to actually live your life, not waiting for God to put people in your lap, or thinking he'll just do that for you.

We talked a lot about work, life and everything in between. it was really fun, and it felt almost like we were going out again (except for, we aren't, and there's no kissing). I said i'd like to see her again, she said that'd be cool. That at the very least we could meet for Christmas (maybe have a little christmas meal together - her suggestion!). But she said she wants me to think about how i feel about things, and if i feel it's too tough, and that i can't cope, to let her know and either we won't see one another again, or we'll wait a longer time, or we'll just meet up soon.

I reiterated I'd like her to know i'm an option, which she acknowledged. so I need to remember that. And she said ' but I don't want to hurt you, so I need you to know and be sure you can cope with the fact that I might be ready for a relationship and it's not with you, or that we don't get together, because I really don't want you to get hurt'. I said i'd think about it and let her know.

I dropped her off at her church, hugged her goodbye and left.

now i need to pray about this. a lot. and see what the next chapter holds... i'm hoping it's with Eliza, as she is so pretty, but we'll have to see.