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so I find myself at 10th September 2013 and this blog hasn't been updated in ages.

sadly I update it with melacholic news - not exciting stuff.

So I met this girl, we'll call her E for help of anonymity. And she was wonderful - all I could ever want (and more). She's cute, smart, funny and gets my jokes. We met on the first date and it seemed like I'd met a soul mate - someone who I could just chat and relax with and who I felt I'd known for years. Prior to that we'd been skype-ing and had finished one anothers' sentences on two occasions (smurfette and Roger McGough are not normally similarities in conversation) and had laughed and joked with one another constantly.
She'd told me she was quite broken (from a previous long term relationship when not a Christian) but I was fine with that. So we agreed to meet.

We met, talked, walked, ate and spent hours together. It was like a fairy tale.
We met again and again, taking picnics and enjoying one anothers' company. We talked of one year anniversaries, and how magic it felt that we'd met people with whom we both fancied and felt were close friends with.
We snogged and got quite intimate with one another. It seemed to be going so well.
I started making plans in my head.

Then she met T (the ex) whilst shopping. Supposing she was fine and settled with me she walked around with him a bit. They talked. He said he still loved her. This screwed her head up. But she didn't see it at first - she just told him she'd met someone new and that he needed to cope with that.

She told me, I told her that's fine and that she's good to be so kind to him.

He called the next week and told her again how he still loved her.

We met up and everything seemed fine.

Then she said she was fearful because the feelings had started to go, and she was fearful because of the ex that she'd never be able to love again. We talked about God and how she'd put the ex before God and perhaps she was angry at God because of that (Him making her split up with T).
We agreed to have less snogging and to take things slower.

She called one night and said she was panicking. I said, let's meet up and discuss tomorrow.
That day she met me she felt better and was happy for most of the day, till we got to the evening.

She said she's panicking again. I told her to just stop thinking about it. And we agreed she'd see her old counsellor.

She saw the counsellor who said maybe I was good for her. But also E discussed how she still freaked out about not having the feelings there. She said she'd just have to cope with things, and go with the flow.

We watched 'No Sex Please, we're british' and kissed a few times. It was nice. She said she'd just go with it when it happened.

We had a day together, that just didn't seem to work. We talked that evening and we agreed we'd go to 'dating' (exclusively). That made her feel happier and more relaxed. Also the fact I was starting work meant we'd not see each other as many times and it should become less intense.

We met on the Wednesday and she'd been looking forward to it. We saw AP and it was great. She hugged up close to me and we snogged a couple of times. It seemed wonderful.

I saw her after work on the Saturday and we went for a drink. After a cider, she was snogging me and saying how glad she was to be with me still. We snogged in the car and I told her how I was fearful of overwhelming her again. She said we'd have to be careful. We almost met that evening (when she was with friends) but she said it's probably not a good idea.

We met up on the Monday and had a big snogging session again. But she got 'tired' and I worked out we'd been too intimate too quickly.

She texted the next morning saying how she'd had a nice night. I thought all was ok.

I called on the Thursday (as at SS) and we talked on the phone. It was nice.

We met on the Sunday and she seemed relaxed and enjoying my company. We went to the pub and she snogged me after a pint. We then had lots of snogging waiting for curry and that evening (with too much intimacy).
Monday morning she said she needed to make a decision, and soon, as she wasn't sleeping and was fearful of the future.

On Friday I picked her up from Reading station at 5.12.

We hugged and then  we walked downstairs (not holding hands) and I held open the car door for her (parked in the space by the bikes).

We drove, talking about how our weeks had been. She told me she’s got a job interview to become an au pair for babysitting an 11 year old every evening from probably 3.30 till 8. Money should be better than WS which is great.

She then said she has work for Thursday next week but that’s the only day – though she’s hopeful she’ll get more work last minute (as that’s what happened the previous week).

I bought her a vodka and tonic, she gave me an M&S receipt to put my chewing gum in.

She asked ‘where do you see things now?’

I explained how I was worried, and that I felt we were looking at what a relationship should be and trying to apply it to our situation. That I didn’t think that would work and we should disregard this and see what it could look like with us, both liking one another and enjoying each others’ company.

I did agree we needed to get something sorted that night as I didn’t think it was great for either of us.

She said she sees what I’m talking about, but that we’re in different places in our lives – I’m ready to settle down and she’s about to go to uni, and isn’t ready to settle down. She acknowledged that I was willing to wait – but she wasn’t even sure if she wanted me to wait as what if it didn’t work out.

I then suggested we move somewhere more private which she agreed to. We got up and went to the church graveyard and sat on the bench opposite the entrance.

We talked and she confessed how she’s fearful of breaking up with me but also fearful of staying with me and she’s not sure which is greater – and maybe there wasn’t a right answer amongst those.

I said I’d always say it’s better to stay with me, and we  could work it through.

She said she’s fearful she’s messed life up, not being in the same place as all her friends having not gone to uni and not got married yet. She also said she’s really proud of really minor things and it’s almost pathetic how she’s proud of them.

I told her God was proud of that too, and she should realise that He loves her.

She said she was fearful of ruining another good thing with me – like she had with D and T. She then said she was paying the price of sleeping with T and how she wished she’d known this was the case before she did so.

She then told me she needs to make a decision and she just thinks it would be a lot easier if we walked away from things.

I asked her about boyfriends and what she gets from them – she explained she gets security, and relief from fears when she was with T (even though he was overbearing).

She also explained she hasn’t been single since she was 13 and doesn’t know if she can exist without a boyfriend – and that scares her.

She also explained how she’s always in fear – with family, friends, at work, with me, the only times she isn’t are when she’s had a drink or is asleep.

She then confessed she’s thought about ending her life on a number of occasions. She said she’d tried to take an overdose when she was younger, but it had really hurt and she’d never do that again. She also said she’d never self-harmed and wouldn’t ever do that.

We talked more and I said I think she needs to be single for a while – but I obviously don’t want that as it means not being with me. I said I could just be a friend to her – but with the agreement she wouldn’t start seeing anyone else. She wouldn’t let me do that.

I said I really wanted to stay with her – but she just said she couldn’t see how that was possible and how it would be easier if we just walked away.

We then talked and I said how I think she needs to get good with God and let her feel complete – without a boyfriend. And that I’d therefore be fighting against God for the relationship and therefore I had to walk away. She said ‘shit, yes’.

I then walked away, collapsed on the floor, then returned to her and said I’m willing to fight for it – she said she wouldn’t let me do that.

She then said she needed to go home as she had work the next day.

I said I wanted to stay with her but she said we had to break up.

I told her I know it sounds selfish, but I thnk she should stay single for a while to get her head sorted. Also she should tell her counsellor about this and her family as they love and care for her.

I also said – look, if you do think about getting with someone else think about who you’ve given up.

She didn’t really react much to that. I also asked her that she give me a gift, either a womble or the thing she was going to buy for my birthday. I could use it as a sermon illustrator.

I held open the door for her one last time. Then drove her back to the station.

She told me in the car how much she appreciated my wisdom. And then cried saying how sorry she was that she’d gone out with T

I told her it would hurt – and she’d be offended if it didn’t. But that it would bring us both freedom.

I parked in the spot by the stairs, then hugged her and let her go up the stairs without me.

I texted her to ask her to let me know she got  home safely. She agreed and texted to tell me when she did get home.

I e-mailed her the next day, reiterating the truths I'd said but also saying I'd like to stay in touch, and if she felt differently in the future that I'd like her to contact me. She e-mailed back on the Sunday to thank me and to say some contact sounds good.

I left it two weeks and texted her about a DT she'd had. She passed.
We texted a few times and she said she's good, with new glasses and a DL.

I'm not sure what to do now. I still want something to happen between us, but know it can't happen now.

I need to lean on God and pray, hope and trust that His will be done....

...but that's easier said than done.