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so i'm close to just giving up.

all of it.

but i can't.

give all of it up. I can't. i feel close to giving all but her up though. what's the point in all the rest of the crap if i can't have her?

i know, it's all about God and how He's awesome. well right now, i don't believe that.

"oh, but read Jeremiah 29:11 - I know the plans I have for you..." well isn't that saccharine goodness just straight out of the book of fairy tales?

if God does have a plan for me, and it involves this level of mind screwing up - then He can take it back and I'll run the show. i'll make the plans myself. cos right now, i don't want Him running things because it seems he's just out to get me (yes, I've stopped capitlising when I'm talking about God - I just can't be bothered with that either).

so there we go. i don't want God to run things anymore, because he's just proved he's out to screw me over. or cause me pain and anguish and sleeplessness and tears and driving all my friends away and not being able to enjoy movies anymore and fear and rejection and want to just jump and end it.

and that. is. a. plan?

that's the best he can do?

well he's doing terribly. he's really screwing it up right now. and I don't like it one bit. and i don't honestly think it's worth it at all.

i'm here, in this grotty town, away from family, and i don't like it.

and i don't even want to be with family right now - because i'll only hurt them with how much i'm hurting. and they've got enough on their plates with L and M. and they don't need my crap piled on their plates too, stinking it all up.


and 'give it over to God, let him take care of it all'? you think i'm going to let him anywhere near it? I'm sorry, but never has the term 'wrestle out of my cold, dead, fingers' been more appropriate than right now.

i'll be waiting for the lightning/fire/brimstone. Bring it on....