thursday thursday

so i'm meeting her on Thursday. this Thursday. almost two months after I last saw her.

almost as long between seeing her as we were going out.

and I'm feeling mixed. fear, yep, excitement, yep, happy, yes, anger, a little.

my relationship with God is currently lying in tatters. people have told me i've let the devil take a grasp of me and let doubt and fear and anger at God overflow. And the bitterness - oh the bitterness.

and I know i should declare it out. but at the moment, i like the punishment i feel i'm giving God. but i need to realise i'm only punishing me. and maybe i like that too.

we're meeting on Thursday. i'm still deciding what to wear. and what to say. and how to behave. and, and, and.

i've got to let go of my birthday, and the fact she didn't text or mention it at all. i'd love a card, and present, but i know i'll get neither. even though i gave her the card to congratulate her on passing her DT. and that's where the anger comes from.

i need to be strong, and help her with her healing. she's not a girl at the moment that will strengthen me. she'll destroy me if we get together now.

so i need to have strength that if she said 'let's get back together' i could say 'no, i don't think you're in the right place for that right now'.

will i get there? doubtful. but will i need to be there? doubtful.

it'd just be healthier.

my friend says I need to just be paul. just be me. so i'll get acting.

maybe i need to break the stalemate and talk to God. it'll be painful. but maybe i just should.