40120

so i find myself blogging around 40199.

and it's on the same lines from last year.

and i can't believe it's happened.

and i feel selfish for thinking about it, i'm not the most important person.

but it still hurts.

and i just kind of wish some allusion would be made as to the miss made.

but i don't think it'll ever come.

and i have the power to hurt with my words, and terribly i kind of want to.

but can't bring myself to.

or maybe i already have.

and i don't smile about it.

40041

so i'm in my kitchen. bread is rising in the oven. and Sunday has passed.

and i'm thinking. i'm thinking lots.

today i realised i really want a human second.

i have Jesus, but i want someone whose face i can see.

whose body i can hug.

whose lips i can kiss.

who i can laugh with and make laugh.

who i can text.

who i can phone.

who i can 'facebook'.

who shares my love for the big G.

who isn't too scared of my driving.

who i look at, and smile like theres no tomorrow.

whose bedside i would sit at in times of need.

who would say three words and light fires in my soul.

who i want to share the rest of my life with.

who i would even start twitter-ing for.

i've been thinking about it.

lots.

and it shames me, but i do want.

i see others and get jealous.

i'm human.

i want.

i'll chat about it to Him. let's hope His plan accommodates my wants soon.

39986

surfing? not yet. still filling in the crossword? you bet.

still wanting to surf, to swim, to dive, to have liquid beneath and around me? alas, yes.

but life ticks on. and still i remain happy.

i was asked, when sat by a fire, when i felt truly alive. it made me think, when do i feel truly alive?

i realise, it's often.

taking a first breath in the morning, after my temporary coma of sleep.

sailing down the road on my bike, with the wind in my invisible sails.

driving down the m4 singing along to a song at the top of my voice.

but especially when soaring through the air, headfirst, with my hands outstretched, ready to break the constant surface of the water and soften my impact into the pool.

and i love it. i am alive. and it's thanks to Him.

i need to realise this though, i really do. cos at the moment, we ain't having many conversations.

we need to chat. to just chat. i think it might get more serious than just 'chat' but fear will stop me from going if i don't think of it as just a chat.

He can see me, even though i'm one of billions.

He knows me, 100x better than I know me.

He cut my eyelids so i can see.

He polished my fingernails and made them hard enough to scratch my arm.

He pushed each hair out of my head.

and He wants to talk. but i'm struggling to listen.

the answer is obvious. it screams at me. but i put my fingers in my ears.

time to pull them out and listen.

now.

right now.

blogging ends.

chatting begins.

ttfn.