39733

update - it was just tiredness.

tiny bit of awesomeness made me smile. bought a delia smith cookbook on saturday (on way to purchase new toy) and have just found a recipe tucked in the back of the dust jacket written by the former owner. no, it wasn't anyone famous, but the product to make is 'tangy lemon fluff'. awesome.

must make some maybe this week.

39733

today was not a good day. i'm possibly ill-er than i've been in a long while and i've learnt what it's like to be sad and i really don't like it. i'm just hoping soon i fall into a long sleep and awake tomorrow feeling better and hopefully with today forgotten.

it is mostly to do with tiredness. and 39734. i always act like it's not a big deal but it would seem in my heart it is. and that's an ingredient to the sadness and why people mentioned it not.

and it's also, probably, an undue sense of self focus.

is this a lesson? i have a feeling it probably is. and i will now dread such lessons cos they hurt.

i feel a lot of this is tiredness. but still.

let's leave that. awake tomorrow and enjoy the day. and leave today as the past.

39727

breaking somewhat with massive gap tradition i continue pondering.

at the moment a large part of my thought muscles are working on the problem of significant others, in particular a significant other for myself.

i went to church yesterday and felt the big Man (capitalising that will make people realise who i'm chatting about) was probably shouting at me the following, do i love Jesus?

seriously though, do i love him. is he my all, my be and end all. the reason for living. and for whom am i living? it's a classic Christian cliche, oh yeah, i'm living for Jesus, but actually is it true?

i often tell people i don't care, i don't care what people think of me. too often we subdue ourselves, we hold ourselves back for fear of that look. we all know it, the tut-tut look, the "what's he/she doing?" look. we know it because we fear it.

and i often tell people i live by the adage "life was fun when we didn't give a damn" and it really is true. but did i live by it? and should my give a damn be i don't give a damn except to live for Jesus. i want him to be the one tut-tutting, the one with the look. i want him to be the only one i care about having that look.

and then it gets back to others. i often say, i want another to understand that Jesus is number one. but will it be like that? i'm of the opinion i'm still not at that point. and accordingly God hasn't introduced me to the 'one'. but when? will i ever reach that apex?

will i ever? does it matter, i should say not. lets just focus in, knuckle down, learn more and more, and in doing so love more and more. let my words be few (and true) that i am so in love with Jesus.

and then, well, then it's all up to Him....