39769

i write in fear. i write in strong unenviable fear.

i find myself not under threat from anything other than myself. but it is enough to put fear on the cusp of invading my very being.

i am so afraid of that which we all strive for. and feel that, rather sensibly and against my past i shall jump ashore, put my shoes back on, unzip the wetsuit and steal on a t-shirt. i'll then tramp back up the dune to the camp, and have a hot chocolate and shut myself away in the tent.

zipped up.

shut up.

closed off.

and i'll do the Telegraph cryptic crossword. it shall occupy my mind, and the thought of what anagram i can make from "gent's meal" shall be my only thought. my only thought. i shall listen to sigur ros on my music device, and float, drift, abstract myself away.

and for how long? for supplies are there for me to stay a while, a long while perhaps. how long it shall take until i can put the wetsuit back on, i know not.

but it's wise. the sea is choppy, unpredictable, rough. and i can't let it happen again.

not again.

really, not again.

but am i being cowardly, am i following walt, or is that marrow of life not being sucked out. am i living life deliberately or merely carefully?

care. i think that's a good way to behave, with care.

but is that what He wants? who knows. let's hand it to Him and see.

to surf or to crossword?

39733

update - it was just tiredness.

tiny bit of awesomeness made me smile. bought a delia smith cookbook on saturday (on way to purchase new toy) and have just found a recipe tucked in the back of the dust jacket written by the former owner. no, it wasn't anyone famous, but the product to make is 'tangy lemon fluff'. awesome.

must make some maybe this week.

39733

today was not a good day. i'm possibly ill-er than i've been in a long while and i've learnt what it's like to be sad and i really don't like it. i'm just hoping soon i fall into a long sleep and awake tomorrow feeling better and hopefully with today forgotten.

it is mostly to do with tiredness. and 39734. i always act like it's not a big deal but it would seem in my heart it is. and that's an ingredient to the sadness and why people mentioned it not.

and it's also, probably, an undue sense of self focus.

is this a lesson? i have a feeling it probably is. and i will now dread such lessons cos they hurt.

i feel a lot of this is tiredness. but still.

let's leave that. awake tomorrow and enjoy the day. and leave today as the past.

39727

breaking somewhat with massive gap tradition i continue pondering.

at the moment a large part of my thought muscles are working on the problem of significant others, in particular a significant other for myself.

i went to church yesterday and felt the big Man (capitalising that will make people realise who i'm chatting about) was probably shouting at me the following, do i love Jesus?

seriously though, do i love him. is he my all, my be and end all. the reason for living. and for whom am i living? it's a classic Christian cliche, oh yeah, i'm living for Jesus, but actually is it true?

i often tell people i don't care, i don't care what people think of me. too often we subdue ourselves, we hold ourselves back for fear of that look. we all know it, the tut-tut look, the "what's he/she doing?" look. we know it because we fear it.

and i often tell people i live by the adage "life was fun when we didn't give a damn" and it really is true. but did i live by it? and should my give a damn be i don't give a damn except to live for Jesus. i want him to be the one tut-tutting, the one with the look. i want him to be the only one i care about having that look.

and then it gets back to others. i often say, i want another to understand that Jesus is number one. but will it be like that? i'm of the opinion i'm still not at that point. and accordingly God hasn't introduced me to the 'one'. but when? will i ever reach that apex?

will i ever? does it matter, i should say not. lets just focus in, knuckle down, learn more and more, and in doing so love more and more. let my words be few (and true) that i am so in love with Jesus.

and then, well, then it's all up to Him....

39715

Matilda is a fascinating story and well worth a listen. having acquired today 27 CD's with various Roald Dahl audiobooks I am able to listen to the aformentioned story as well as others too.

I often dream of writing some form of intellectual commentaries on life, society and other obscure observations that make one go, oh yes, how true.

but sadly my brain doesn't appear to want to form the correct words, and sadly my literary experience in life has been rather lacking therefore my vocabulary is rather poor.

i try occasionally to use fairly decent words, but end up making a massive mistake.

like "i'm accepted because you were foresaken" could be completely misconstrued should you sing "i'm excepted because you were foresaken".

and therein lies some of the rub.

a short, truncated history of the last few months is ever necessary, so that I may read this in a few years and remark what i was doing. i shall read it, others don't generally read. which is actually quite nice , it means this is my own blog, no ego massaging or in fact means i'm not writing this to anyone. i'm writing this to me.

so, three exams sat, three exams passed. a little break, some work in between and camping in Wales followed. nicely done. studying recommenced. three more exams sat. results due on 17th October. bit worried about it, but praying about it to stop the need to worry.

back at work this week. running my own audit, well on my own doing all the work. exciting but a little nerve inducing.

other than that, i've taken up swimming and diving again in order to lose some weight and possibly, well possibly find another. but that's another story.

39561

well i'm keeping it up. or rather procrastinating from work. which is as good an excuse to blog as anything else.

and i'm maintaining a blog full of nothing of any importance or anything beneficial that once you've read it will not give you any additional knowledge. maybe I ought to start dropping in facts to make the reading of this blog worthwhile. erm, an elephant is the only animal to have 4 knees.

there,

well i'm at work, shortly going to return to college (i.e. next week) to sit even harder exams and try once again not to fail and subsequently lose my job. before then i have to finish the work on this audit and become church treasurer at St Laurences. all excitingness. aside from that, my left leg is in pain and i need to start training for the 10K run in London for the Bible Society in June. Ah, I really should start training soon. I'll stretch the leg tonight and hopefully be in a fit state to start runniing from the weekend onwards.

Right, must get back to work.

TTFN

39512

i've hit the six months since posting deadling and so once again a post materializes upon my blog wall, or rather some pixels on your screen - be it laptop, lcd, phone etc. are distorted and manipulated into words, my words, or rather words I borrowed to write these thoughts down.

so where have i been since the thursday, 26 July 2007? well many places, few if any palaces. Belgium, Reading, France, London.

Not many really exciting places, but places nonetheless and different ones, furthermore. i've been hired and not fired by my new employer, and have taken and passed four exams towards my qualification. i'm being very non specific for legal reasons, for if i mention my employer or any further details i might get myself in trouble. sounds awfully like a spy, and i'll keep that illusion up for my sake.

does one have a girlfriend yet, well you may ask, well no is the best and true answer. but a day can change everything.

my internet connection appears to be failing, so I better end this now. just one thing i've gotta say,